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25 January 2013 @ 02:09 am
Be careful with your words...  
The most important warning we can receive in life: Protect yourself from your own thoughts —Rumi

While I am sure this is meant along the same lines as "don't believe everything you think" I think it also applies in the sense of "be careful of how you think about yourself."

I'm often hard on myself - an extension of the high standards issue - and I think maybe, sometimes, too hard on myself. Berating myself about failures (real, perceived, and potential) is often how I motivate myself, although that is probably because that was how my father chose to "motivate" me through much of my childhood, so there's a clue there... Unfortunately, my other motivational techniques are not much better, relying all too much on "If you go do that good thing, you can have a cookie!" *sigh*

Anyway, it occurred to me the other day that if someone talked to one of my friends the way my inner monologue talks to me when I have failed to meet my standards, I would kick their ass. That's... that's probably a problem. I need to be more careful and caring about how I think about myself. It seems weird and self-indulgent to say that my internal monologue needs to play nicer with my psyche, but it still is probably a good idea... Which means I need to come up with a more constructive way of internally relating and motivating myself...

Another goal! Hurray?
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
 
akitrom: Sazakitrom on January 25th, 2013 12:18 pm (UTC)
Hurray, yes.

I grew up in the '70s, during which I read the pop psychology book "I'm Okay, You're Okay". Using the language of transactional analysis, my term for "inner monologue" is Parent, and my term for "psyche" is Adult.

One helpful step might be to avoid turning the inner monologue's fury from the psyche back onto itself. "I am too hard on myself. Bad inner monologue." The Parent is informed at a pretty early age. It serves as a reminder of goals and ideals.

It's important to have high standards for yourself. It's also important to have realistic expectations about meeting them. Listen to your Inner Masha, too.

I am proud of you, for this growth and for your years of wisdom and friendship.
Gwynethgwyneth1362 on January 25th, 2013 02:34 pm (UTC)
Interesting. I came to that thought during my divorce process - and I say "came to it" meaning "my very insightful therapist pointed it out to me." It was a biggie. Changing ingrained thought patterns is really, really hard, and takes time and effort. But it is really good for you to have gotten there on your own, and if you work through it, is a very positive step for self.

Hugs! I miss you, too.
Roxelanaroxelana on January 25th, 2013 02:51 pm (UTC)
I refuse to say bad things about myself - I am very self supportive! When I have to do self evaluations at work, I do them in the third person which my bosses have always thought was weird but after having the Army try to break me I realized that I was the only person that was on my team. I still have unrealistic goals but I don't beat myself up, it's more like intense problem solving, rat in a maze. "That didn't work so well so let's try..."
JinglyMushroomjinglymushroom on January 25th, 2013 08:02 pm (UTC)
Could it be of any use to have a friend who understand you well tp translate?

So you give friend information like
This was my goal:
This is what I achieved/feel I failed to achieve:
Please translate?

Or
This is what my internal voice says to me:

And have your friend translate it into how someone would say that to a friend?

Or perhaps write down what your monologue says and then pretend it is someone speaking to your friend (perhaps someone who doesn't quite grasp social norms or rules about proper interaction?) and you correct that other person and tell that other person how to properly say it and then say that to your own self?

Those were some run on multiple-anded sentences... o_O Sorry.
eithni: do I need to kill you?eithni on January 28th, 2013 01:38 am (UTC)
I think I can self-translate - I just needed to make the connection that talking to myself that way is not OK. :P
marwen42marwen42 on January 25th, 2013 08:55 pm (UTC)
I've been actively working on this. This past fall I realized that I couldn't do this alone, so I've been seeing a very nice and insightful therapist to help me. I'm slowly changing those patterns of self-thought. It's hard, and slower sometimes than I wish, but that's okay!

I know that you're capable of tremendous kindness, love, and support. You've been sharing those with your friends for such a long time. I hope that you're able to give those to yourself as well!
marwen42marwen42 on January 25th, 2013 08:56 pm (UTC)
Also, you are allowed to have a cookie (of whatever kind you'd like) whenever you want. :-)
Hrothnystitchwhich on January 26th, 2013 06:24 am (UTC)
I remember all too well the adage, "We are our worst enemy and our greatest critic". It's darned hard to break a habit like that - being mindful of it, as you are now, is a huge first step.