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27 June 2012 @ 02:02 am
What do I want to be if I grow up?  
I think that might be the central question of my life right now. In some ways, the world feels so alien, as if I am a child who somehow is failing to grasp some critical information about the world. In other ways, it all seems so simple, but the solutions are simply out of my reach. I want to do something meaningful, fulfilling... A huge part of the reason I took my current job was to help people and Save The World. Now, more often than not, I feel taken advantage of - very much a "no good deed goes unpunished" sort of situation. :/  I still want to Save The World, but that seems like a much bigger job than it was seven years ago. I'm even OK with Saving (my little corner of) The World, if I could just figure out where to start. I know, I know, one does not need to make some huge mark on the world I order to have a valid job/life/whatever, but I just strongly feel that the world as I would like it to be is being sucked down a dark and ugly drain, and not fighting against that slide in some way is acquiescing to that loss. 

 For now, I'll fight on where I am, for all that it often feels like pointless flailing, but I really wish somewhere in these murky waters I'd find some clarity and purpose.
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Sara: ballslostvirtue on June 27th, 2012 08:41 am (UTC)
If you figure it out, please let me know so I can help, I can't figure it out myself.
eithni: darkladyeithni on June 27th, 2012 01:42 pm (UTC)
Well, at least I have company. :)
Ulfhildr: bingoyuri_shoujo on June 27th, 2012 09:38 pm (UTC)
Ditto, all around. I have a a feeling most adults probably feel this way, at least a little?
eithni: darkladyeithni on June 28th, 2012 05:54 am (UTC)
Not OK! Why is this so bloody complicated!
DameJdamej on June 27th, 2012 11:16 pm (UTC)
I've gone through several existential crises over the years when I discovered that some aspect of my life was not what I had thought it was. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what the hell I want to do.
eithni: darkladyeithni on June 28th, 2012 05:54 am (UTC)
Blech. Why do things that really shouldn't be that hard end up being epically complicated? At least I'm not lonely in the confusion/frustration. :P
Julia Springjulia_spring on June 29th, 2012 01:24 am (UTC)
You're in a field that burns though a lot of people. It doesn't help that you need to spend energy on things like your formulary being rejected, when you could use that energy for your self or saving the world.

It's ok to get burned out, too. Not "it's ok that it happens", but it's ok that you're feeling it. Seven years between sabbaticals was intentional, you know. :)
eithni: PharmDeithni on June 29th, 2012 02:56 am (UTC)
Yeah, it has been six and a half and I think I am just being worn down by the hopeless state of healthcare in this country, the amount of red tape and opaque processes in the government, and the amount of evil that is inherent in a disturbingly large percentage of the population. Today's announcement was a little ray of hope, but I don't think the effects will come soon enough to save this job.